For this month's blog, we wanted to do two things. One, to offer some thoughts to all people who are impacted by suicide, no matter what the vantage point, and two, reduce stigma in the best way possible, by authentically sharing about our own experiences.
Who is impacted by suicide?
There are three groups of people who are impacted by suicide:
Those who experience suicidal ideation
The people who love and accompany individuals who experience suicidal ideation
People who have lost a loved one to suicide
To those who experience suicidal ideations, or a desire to no longer live
When I have sat with clients who have this experience there is one common thing I often see; their fear and overwhelm of even having the thought or desire to end their own life. There is a question I will sometimes ask my clients to help them better understand their experience in the hopes that it might reduce their fear of their own minds. I will ask which kind of wound would they prefer. A large gushing wound on their leg, that although is large, they can treat and watch heal over time, knowing it will eventually heal and get better; or would they prefer an equally scathing emotional wound; one they cannot locate, they cannot touch, they cannot watch heal, and the do not know when it will finally stop hurting. The answer is always that they would prefer the wound on their leg. I then ask them, is it that you want your life to be over, or is it more that you want this excruciating emotional pain to end, and suicide seems like a means to ending this acute and intense emotional pain?
This is the problem (well, one among many) with emotional pain. - emotional wounds cannot be located nor can we place a time schedule on an emotional wound; IÂ find many of my clients, and even I, have sat in frustration, praying and wondering, how are we still here, why does this still hurt, and when will I finally be finished with this pain?!
A coping tool that has become essential in the effort to manage overwhelming emotional pain is the tool of locating the pain in your body. I will ask my clients to tell me where they feel their feelings. They eventually arrive at the only place where we can really "feel" anything; our bodies. Once we understand that we have a lived sense of our feelings, that our feelings do have a concrete texture, then we can locate them in the body, associate them to a place in our body, and this takes what feels like an abstract abyss of pain, and gives it a location. Then we can use specific coping skills to care for the pain and the place where it is located. If in my chest, I can place my hands over the top of my sternum (just below my throat) and breath into that place, and try to feel my heart beating beneath my sternum. If in my legs, I can use progressive muscle relaxation to release the tension from my legs. If in my stomach, I can do diaphragmatic breathing to calm my nervous system.
These questions do not reduce the pain by any means, but my hope is that the increased understanding of the experience can take away some of the compounded stress that can come with being afraid of our own thoughts.
Above all, if you are experiencing thoughts of wanting to die or suicide, the best help is relationship; to let someone in who can be there with you. https://988lifeline.org/ has helpful resources and counselors available 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, even if you just could use someone to talk to.
As a Catholic Sister, it would be gravely neglectful for me not to remind you that above all and at all times, you are a gift, and cannot cease to be a gift. By virtue of being created and loved by God, the core of each of our identities is gift, and each breath is in a way a conversation with our Creator. Because of this, we are not the sum of our sufferings, failures and struggles; we are the sum of God's love for us. If you feel far from God, take in a breath, and there he is, nearer to you than that very breath.
To those who love and accompany individuals who experience suicidal ideation
It can be paralyzing to realize that someone you care about is having thoughts of wanting to die or suicide. Many of us experience feelings of inadequacy accompanying a loved one who is in so much pain. I want to reassure you that your presence is far more valuable than having the right thing to say; with one exception.
Many of us have been trained to think that it is not good to bring up suicide to someone who is experiencing thoughts of suicide. Or, perhaps we have not been trained to think that and simply feel uncomfortable saying anything. Countless research studies have concluded that asking your loved one directly and openly if he or she is thinking of suicide or having thoughts of wanting to die and considering suicide is safety enhancing. The following quote is taken directly from https://988lifeline.org/.
"Research shows people who are having thoughts of suicide feel relief when someone asks after them in a caring way. Findings suggest acknowledging and talking about suicide may reduce rather than increase suicidal ideation."
So what can you ask specifically? Ask...
Are you planning suicide?
Are you having thoughts of suicide?
Are you having thoughts of wanting to die?
If the answer is yes, then reach out to https://988lifeline.org/. If the answer is yes, and there is a plan and access to that plan, then call 911 or seek emergency care right away.
Warning signs are included here; but the main thing I hope you take away is, bravery and being scared are not mutually exclusive; they can exist together. Ask, even if you are scared. Ask, even if it will come out awkwardly. Because an awkwardly spoken check in is far more preventative than silence. And I need to offer you the same as I offered others above. You too are a gift, which means you can bring light into darkness, even if awkwardly so!
To those who have lost a loved one to suicide
I was driving down I30 in Dallas one day heading back to Tyler, and as I flew under the Saint Francis overpass I realized I saw a boy's face; he was facing me. I immediately doubted myself, thinking surely that is not what I saw, but his face somehow had managed to become vividly impressed in my mind, even though I had passed him going easily 70 miles per hour. It was the vivid image of his face that made me exit and turn back. I was not wrong. When I turned onto Saint Francis he was there, and another man had stopped also. As I approached him my mind was racing, and I asked him, "are you planning to kill yourself." He looked away, and I asked him if he would be ok to look back at me, and he did. And I repeated my question, to which he responded, "I don't know." He agreed to walk to the corner to talk, and I had a strong desire to be sincere with him, to not offer him the trite sayings that sometimes fall too easily out of our mouths in tough situations, and so I told him: "I will not pretend to know you, I will not pretend to know what you are going through, I do not. What I do know, is that I saw you. I was going 70 miles per hour and I saw you. I see you." That day we got that young man away from that bridge safely, but as Bishop Strickland and I had the conversation linked below, the story of this young man came back to me. In our conversation, Bishop Strickland mentions needing to be seen, and his words have stayed with me. How much we all need to be seen, known and loved. To be seen, known and loved is not a luxury, it is a necessity. The world offers us so many forms of "false seeing" (social media, internet, etc) that many of us may sometimes look up and find that it has been a long time since we were really seen. I think that young man on the bridge that day needed someone to really see him. I think we all need that. In the following conversation Bishop Strickland and I share our experiences of losing a loved one to suicide. Why? For many reasons. So that others will know they are are not alone. To remember our loved ones in hope. To allow them to be seen. Honestly, probably also to allow this wound in each of us to be ever more seen, to be brought into the light so that it can continue to heal. If you have lost a loved one to suicide, my offering to you is that you too are a gift; if you are Catholic (or if you believe in intercessory prayer), do not cease to pray for and to your loved one, in this way you are a profound gift to them. There is something about this wound that can seem quite gaping, but a very well know Saint once said
"In my deepest wound, I saw your glory, and it astounded me." Saint Augustine
So, do not be shy about looking into these places from time to time, and do not be ashamed of needing to be seen. This is what it is to be human. May we all know it, in truth.
Loved, loved, loved this!!!!